Us

By now, a lot might be cursing their head off at me. In my previous post, i mention something about writing a controversial post. Joyce even called it a masterpiece. I had to admit, that moment when i enter my previous post, i really had this feeling in me to write something controversial. Something that everyone had been wanting to know. But as days gone by, that feeling of mine faded away. Not because i tried to hide it within myself once again but mainly because i already truly understand the meaning of happiness.

To be honest, that happy Dominique Ban that you all see each time you met me is not the true me. Behind that happy laughter, i had a lot of worries and sorrows. Not that i purposely make myself in that condition but i just cannot show that side of me to everyone because i always believe the only way to make others happy, is to show them a happy face.

I know there had been something that a lot of you curious people would love to know. Some of you might already knew about it but this entry is for those who is still wondering about the truth between me and her. Let me start it off from the beginning.

About 6 years ago, i met her in school. It was a love at first sight for me. It wasn't easy for us to begin but we manage to strive through. We were together for about 3 years. In that 3 years, there were a lot of happy memories in which i can tell is irreplaceable because we can never be 18 again. Then a lot had happen, we went on and off a few times until a moment in which i was controlled by a possessive demon. I came up with all kind of tricks to win her back. She treat me good. She didn't want to hurt me. That's why she always agree with me. Never once she fought back and say that I'm wrong. Sometimes she even obey my instruction. At times when she is angry, she will scold me and ask me to leave. But never once she is strong against me. I will come up with all kind of tricks to get myself back in her life again. It was until a year ago that she went over to UK to further her studies, it was at that time that i started to reflect on myself. I find myself an idiot in her life. Then i started to ignore her and tried to forget her. But things just doesn't stop that easy for us. There were times when i tried to call her but i received her call instead. There were times when i was typing an sms for her and i received an sms from her even before i sent mine. Sometimes i called her and i got the engage tone only for me to realise later that she was trying to call me at the same time. You might be wondering, if i said i tried to ignore her and forget her, why did i call and sms her. The answer is " I'm an idiot." She came back to Malaysia 2 months ago. I went back to Penang. She came to KL. To be honest, i had no idea what's my feelings for her. I'm just too afraid to be with her again. So most of the time when we talked about us, we will just joked it off. Same goes to her, i guess, she's so afraid that she might hurt me again. Moreover, there is someone who is always next to her. I don't even have time to talk to her and most of the time I'm 400km away from her. Things just couldn't work again for us.

Some of you all might be very angry at me after reading this. After all those complaints i make to you all, in the end, it is me, that is doing something against my own principle. Hate me all you want, I deserve it.

If you all are still not sure about the truth between me and her, the following song will make it clear for you all.



感情線

我想我已開始有點疑惑
I think I'm starting to doubt
好像被他說中些什麼
as if he had said something right
難道已經沒有別的選擇
do we really have no other choice
只能乖乖的束手就策
but to only quietly obey to let go
難過的是我們做了選擇
what is upsetting is we've made a decision
是對是錯誰也沒把握
Not sure who's right or wrong
如果要我放手才能獲得
If I must let go to obtain
為何在我心中有捨不得
then why is there a sense of hesitation in my heart

看著你要走 還裝著笑容
seeing you leave, yet I pretend to smile
掩飾的脆弱要撐多久
how much longer must I endure my frailness
如果現在開口 如何挽留
If I speak now, How can I persuade you to stay
感情這條線 註定只能這麼遠
this line of affection was it destined to only last this long

不敢相信已經來到終點
can't believe we've reached the end
想你愛他必定多一些
believe you must have loved him a bit more
我們之間不可能再回到從前
there's no way we could have return to the past
我還傻傻畫著 幸福線
but I still foolishly continue to draw the line of happiness

看著你走遠 還繼續裝笑臉
Seeing you going far I continued to put on the smiling face
掩飾折磨我能撐多久
How much longer can I endure hiding my pain
如果現在開口 (現在開口) 怎麼挽留 (怎麼挽留)
If I speak now how can I persuade you to stay
感情這條線 註定無法延長一點
this line of affection was destined to have a limitation

你已不在 而我何時才清醒
you're already gone but when will I wake up
相信一切都是命
and believe this is all fate
不曾放棄你 我不會說什麼
I will give you up soon I won't say anything
默默的承受 像個男子漢
I could only silently accept it like a man

看著你要走 (Baby 看著看著你要走) 還裝著笑容 (多麼多麼笑容)
seeing you leave, yet I pretend to smile
掩飾的脆弱要撐多久 (還要撐多久)
how much longer must I endure my frailness
如果現在開口 (現在開口) 如何挽留 (如何挽留)
If I speak now, How can I persuade you to stay
感情這條線 註定只能這麼遠
this line of affection was it destined to only last this long

看著你要走 還裝著笑容 (we will carry on)
Seeing you going far, Yet i pretend to smile
掩飾的脆弱要撐多久(knowing there were words I've never said baby)
how much longer must I endure my frailness
如果現在開口 (現在開口) 如何挽留 (如何挽留)
If I speak now, How can I persuade you to stay
感情這條線 註定只能這麼遠
this line of affection was it destined to only last this long

Let the words remain unsaid

He saw her. She saw him. They smiled and walked towards each other. With a empty mind, they hugged.

Update

Sorry to those who had been visiting my blog. I had no time to update my blog. I was fully occupied the last few weeks. I had great weekends. I went back to Penang last weekend and had a marvelous Sunday night. The turnover mood was tremendous. I need permission before i can blog further about what happen that night. It might cause massive controversy and more drama to the never ending drama.

Did u know i removed a lot of old posts due to controversy? Haha..those who had been loyal to this blog must have read one or more before. So controversial that it causes a major protest of feelings among some of my very close friends. Anyway, those were the past. I believe they had seen the truth behind my scrupulous writing.

Don't worry. This time i will translucent my masterpiece before i publicized it. I don't want to remove any entry from this blog anymore. Maybe at the end of the post i should add things like "This post is solely fictional. Any similarities is due to coincidence"

HAHA (Dominique Ban laughing sarcastically)

Writing

I'm in office now. It had been raining the whole day. My brain is so damn lazy to work. I think i'm not alone. My colleagues all seem very dreamy and floaty. Surprisingly, i'm not the last to reach the office. Those who are earlier than me in most of the days are later than me and my boss is not here yet. It is 12.14pm now. My brain is not focusing on what I am suppose to do today. I'm thinking of yesterday. My phone conversation and msn conversation last night. My meeting last night and what am i going to do tomorrow morning. It is out of focus. I just wanna think about yesterday and tomorrow and not today. I had no idea why is my brain rejecting today's thoughts. Is it because there's nothing to worry today or Is it because it can sense more coming tomorrow from what happen yesterday. Chim bo? I never expect a lazy brain at this moment can suddenly come out with such chim question for itself.

How to settle? I can only watch my steps and move on. Not that i can predict. I actually had this thought that i can predict future. Of cos most of them is about myself. It was until this morning when i had a long chat wif my long time best buddy XW that i realised something important in life. I realised the secret on how i can predict my future. Simply because i'm writing the story of my life. I decide what i want to do. I decide when to let go and when to stay on. I decide when patience is needed and when i should whacked the table and turned my back around. That is life.

Sometimes we judged others. We claimed that they are stupid or they had no principle in life. But we don't write their story. We just read their story. They wrote it themself. What we can see is those that were written and not those that is going to be write. We can copy and paste than edit from others but the conclusion remains. We can help others write their life. But when we help them, we are writing it into our life too. So it is always up to us to decide when the full stop comes in. Sigh...i'm still thinking how to write my life tomorrow.

Miracles and Coincidences are some additional bonuses in life. It is not something that you write. It is something that came up after u finish planning what to write. Trust me. Miracles and Coincidences always add spices into your writing. Whether it is good or bad, it always flamboyantly colour your nicely jotted draft. So when u nicely plan your ending, it might turn ugly or beautiful. That is what you call risk in life. Haha.

One more thing that can spoil your beautiful ending is when someone else put a pen into your draft. Or when someone else's ending which coexist with yours contradicts with yours. Or when someone pour a bucket of paint into your writing. Worst of all, is when you don't even know why. That is when your are lost. Haha. Life is difficult.

Therefore i find it foolish to plan ahead. But if you don't plan, you had no vision. I think we should aim for a target and plan for each day. Don't aim for a target and had the whole journey written. We might end up in a cave.

No matter how good a writer can be, there are always obstacles and miracles that will flourish the smooth writing.

In KL

Yes..I'm back in KL. I believed someone must be happily celebrating because Ban is back in KL. I also believed there must be someone who is sad because I'm back in KL. Haha. Anyway, I'm back in KL. Back to those 9am - 6pm days. Argh... I tell you more about my trip in Penang the next time. Now wanna sleep already. Tomorrow is working day again. Zzz......

Lazy Bun

I'm very lazy these days. So lazy to blog and so lazy for so many things. I only wanna enjoy my days in Penang. To those who didn't know, I'm in Penang now. I'm going back KL this Sunday morning. Those in KL that is missing me, don't worry, I'll be back soon. Just hold on to it. Muahaha..

Actually i miss KL a lot. KL might be a scary place for a lot of people but not for me. It is a place where i found peace and enjoyment. Maybe I'm really sick and tired of Penang. Those endless drama and torment I've experience and still experiencing is really making me nausea.

Human brain is so funny. When you consciously know that you shouldn't be doing something, you still want to do it subconsciously. Why? Why? Why!!!!! I'm really going to be schizo freak if this goes on. When you are drunk, are you doing things consciously or subconsciously? I also dunno la..So sick of it..Don't want to ruin my night by thinking those unnecessaries. Anyway, those who are in Penang now and want to meet up with me, please call me. I don't have a car!!! Argh!!! I had never experience car-less since 5 years ago when i had my SLK (Small Little Kancil). Kakaka...Now my Hyundai is almost dead. So I can quite officially announced that i'm CAR-LESS! Well of course unless i manage to revive my Hyundai. LOL.

Anyway, life is beautiful in KL. Maybe because I'm thoroughly sick with Penang. Therefore i see KL as a place i managed to seek peacefulness and serenity in life. Ironic right? KL life is supposed to be hectic and fast-moving-pace but to me it is the speed, the acceleration that i enjoy. The challenge I will face. That is where I found myself. The place where my brain is enjoying itself to the fullest.

Haha...Seriously i feel like time is rotting away when I'm in Penang. I see the same familiar face everywhere. Even the ah lians and ah bengs all look the same. Taxi driver all look so familiar. It is like i just saw them puffing in some coffee shop the day before. Even the beggars all look the same. Arghhh.....maybe you will see me complaining these in future but that time, it will be a different venue I'm complaining about. LOL.

Let me summarize my stay in Penang for the passed week with a similar word.

Disappointment

How Am I Supposed To Live Without You ?

I could hardly believe it
When I heard the news today
I had to come and get it straight from you
They said you were leavin'
Someone swept you heart away
From the look upon your face I see it's true
So tell me all about it, tell me 'bout the plans you're makin'
Then tell me one thing more before I go

Chorus:
Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
Now that I've been lovin' you so long
How am I supposed to live without you
How am I supposed to carry on
When all that I've been livin' for is gone

I didn't come here for cryin'
Didn't come here to breakdown
It's just a dream of mine is coming to an end
An how can I blame you
When I built my world around
The hope that someday we'd be so much more than friends
And I don't wanna know the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
When even now it's more than I can take

Chorus

And I don't wanna face the price I'm gonna pay for dreaming
Now that your dream has come true

Chorus

Dying To Live

I was listening to this song just now. Even when i haven't listen to it, the lyrics already caught my attention. Maybe a lot of you had already listen to it on radio but i'm not an English radio channel fan. I listen to 988. Haha. Even though I'm a banana, i like Chinese radio channels because they had more jokes and facts to listen to. Anyway, the song name is Dying to Live and it is by Jonny Lang.

Why am I fighting to live
If I'm just living to fight
Why am I trying to see
When there ain't nothing in sight
Why am I trying to give
When no one gives me a try
Why am I dying to live
If I'm just living to die

SO TRUE!!!

Sorry folks...i couldn't put the song here for u all to listen because it wasn't on imeem.

Full credits given to Shu for introducing this song to me..

Check out more about Jonny Lang here.